I gave her a knife sharpener for Christmas

*70s happy elevator music plays on my phone*

Me: Hi Mom, how's it going?

Mom: Well I just got done feeding the calf and he tried to buck me blah blah blah blah blah it has been so cold! I'm freezing my hiney off blah blahblah blah blah blah and that dumb red chicken got out again and I swear it is one step away from getting butchered and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah oh how was Aimee's first day of classes?

Me: *watching tv* She's here, she said everything went great.

Mom: So I talked to Rose and blah blah blah we made spaghetti sandwiches for dinner tonight blah blah blah blah blah blah blah my thyroid turned out to be normal! The doctor said I have high cholesterol! !! He wants me to lose weight AND exercise! Blah blah blah blah blah blah I don't know why I'm not losing weight blah blah blah.

Me: uh huh *whispering* hey Apollo, can you pause the movie?

Mom: Did I tell you about the yearling elk that got tangled in the fence? Blah blah blah I went to the dentist today. My molar hurt when you tapped it, you know like blah blah blah blah blah and then they cleaned my teeth and now I don't have any more pain! Did you KNOW you can get plaque between your gums and your teeth? Blah blah blah blah.

Me: You should try out one of those Sonicare toothbrushes like Aimee has. You would be amazed at how well it cleans your teeth. She got me one for Christmas, I don't think my teeth have ever been so clean with so little effort on my part.

Mom: SOME PEOPLE GET PLAQUE ON THEIR TEETH FASTER THAN OTHER PEOPLE!

Me: It's OK Mom! I'm just saying, it's a nice toothbrush! *wondering how many minutes I have left on my cell phone* Maybe your dentist can recommend something to you to help fight plaque?

Mom: Anyway blah blah blah and I told her, I use a butcher knife to get plaque off my teeth. She just looked at me and said, don't scratch your teeth too much!

Me: *stunned*