Wednesday, July 08, 2009

I see your peed-my-pants story and I raise you a crap-in-the-pants story!

Faythe recently told an embarrassing story about peeing her pants. Not to be outdone, I decided to share my most recent embarassing story.

See, Apollo has always been a polite, proper kind of guy. It's unusual for him to fart or burp in front of people. Even when you've known him for years and years, he still rarely does these things. Until he met James our neighbor and his new BFF.

James is a pretty manly guy. He adjusts his balls while talking to you, spits big loogies all over, blows his nose while one finger presses one nostril closed allowing the other nostril to empty out on the street, etc. A couple weeks ago, he jumped in the air and farted on a little kid innocently pedaling by on his bicycle. (I can still hear the kid saying, "Ewwwww!" as he hurridly rode off.) Classic man behavior. Now that Apollo is hanging out with James, he's starting to catch on to some of this disgustingness. Especially after spending a week with James doing some yardwork at his parents, well let's just say that within 20 minutes of his return home, Apollo squated and farted right in front of us all. And then he looked at us with that, "How you like that!" look.

So there has been a lot of farting and burping going on around here, especially since we are all eating a ton of fiber. Oh, and then there's the contributing factor of Aimee bringing a poop story home from work (at the hospital) and into every single conversation. (For whatever reasons, poop stories always surface when Aimee's around.)

A few days ago at Target I thought I was going to be able to ease one out quietly but to my dismay, I did quite the opposite. Like any experienced public gasser, I loudly said, "Apollo!" and scrambled quickly around the corner. Apollo was left standing there with his mouth open (fool!!) and a lady staring at him. Needless to say, he didn't trust me much after that and it took some coaxing to get him to stand near me for the duration of our shopping trip.

Which brings me to my final story. We're sitting at the table and I lean over to let one out in a challenge to Apollo (because I had already bested him in burping, ain't I the little lady?) and farted.

Or so I thought.

I'll try to spare you the details but, let's just say it sounded like blowing bubbles in gravy. Thick gravy. I know! Disgusting! Also? Pooping your pants smells nothing like a fart.

Apollo looked at me, rather unsurprised I might add, and said, "That's what you get!" He later told me he felt vindicated over the whole incident at Target.

So there Faythe. I share your shame with the world.


A. Malcontent said...

Eeeexxcellent! Hopefully I won't ever have to worry about topping that!

dawn said...

Oh my gosh I can't stop laughing. With you not at you.

Brennee said...

Um, that is just about the funniest thing I've read in a LONG time. Thanks for the laugh!!

Anonymous said...

How do you not know that there's a little substance waiting there?!?! We need to get you some diapers, ya old hag!